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Surviving HvZ

By Tess Miles

The Zombie Apocalypse has befallen Grahamstown. Even though watching three seasons of The Walking Dead in one night may have felt like good preparation, it is not. Rhodents seem to have ways of doing things differently. The following tips have been provided to encourage the humans – those that are still out there – who are out of ideas and feel like Will Smith as the sun is going down in ‘I Am Legend’.

Take The Path Less Traveled

Poet Robert Frost said to take the path less traveled, and Dominique Helena Johnson, a first year BA student, agrees. His best advice would be that, “taking strange pathways to avoid too many people works”.

Staying away from large groups of people will probably increase your chance of staying alive, as modern Zombies at times can be difficult to identify. To seek further advice and find these ‘paths less traveled’, the best option would be to consult any extreme introverts or Grahamstown explorers that you may know.

 Inconspicuousness Is The Key To Happiness

If you don’t want to turn into a Zombie before you re-experience the good things in life – like your next non-res meal – don’t be conspicuous. Don’t wear that swell red jacket; don’t dress like it’s your last day alive because it will be if you stand out.

Michaella Sloane, a human and in her second year as a B.A. student, warns, “Don’t draw attention to yourself unnecessarily, take shortcuts through buildings and quiet alleyways”.

She further added, “I know exactly where I should and should not go on campus”. Google maps may be a reality for some people if they are still unfamiliar with the Rhodes environment.

‘Keep Calm’ and Turn Into a Zombie

Staying paranoid in times of a Zombie Apocalypse could be the key to success. You know how people say, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’? Well start sweating.

Daniel Lundstrom, who is in second year studying Computer Science and Information Systems, shares his strategies: “My methods are to be extremely paranoid and check behind me every three seconds”. He is still human.

Don’t Get Cornered

There is no other way to put this. Getting stuck in a corner can lead to death. Shaun Simpson, a Zombie who is doing a BJourn, advises; “To all the survivors out there: stay in open areas or stay hidden, don’t get cornered”.

Lundstrom agrees with this, saying, “Avoid places where you could be cornered and tagged.”

 Attack Is Defense

There have been a few sightings of successful sock attacks. Results have shown that there is a directly proportional relationship between the stench of the socks and chance of survival.

Bruce Roestof, a first year studying a BSc tells of incidents of running towards Zombies with socks, which has so far allowed him to remain human.  This seems to be the way to go confirms Callum Usher, a first year Journalism student, who carries an abundance of ‘sock ammo.’

Lie To Everyone

Trust no one. Not your mom, your dad or your best friend. Don’t talk to strangers; don’t accept sweets or ‘gifts’ from them either. It’s all an illusion. Friendship, love and trust are out of the equation. This is a sacrifice you have to be willing to make if you really want to stay in the game.

 

 

 

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